He Said, She Said: Bedroom Boundaries
When it comes to the bedroom, I say the more the merrier... No, this is not taking a turn for the obscene; I'm talking piling the whole family- chickens included- into the bed.
I've already shared my love of TV time in the bedroom, but now Dean and I are onto another debate: whether or not kids and furry family members in the bed create a boundary between us.
Not surprisingly, I love having the kids in our bed to cuddle, and I think the bigger the bed, the better! Dean, on the other hand, wants to up the romance and downsize us to a queen bed! He even put down blue tape on our current bed to show me the size of a queen vs. king. In his defense, we actually did have a queen bed in the beginning, honeymoon phase of our relationship, so I can see why he'd associate that with romance. But now that we have three kids jumping in and out of our sheets that would never work!
Right now, our usual routine is to let the kids fall asleep in our bed, and then move them to their own rooms. So here's my question for you: do you ever let your kids sleep in your bed? What are your bedroom boundaries? And, does a smaller bed equal more hanky panky?
Weigh in on this topic in the comments below!
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109 comments
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My baby sleeps with me and she's 19 months and I love it..but there are a lot of times when I wish my husband and I could just be alone. He's ready to move her but the thought of her waking up and not seeing us and just knowing how scared she'd be makes me so sad! I know we need to get her sleeping on her own but I already feel guilty! -
I love having kids in my bed! That is only when they come in mornings to wake up with me or evenings for a bit down time before going to their own beds. Oh, we had our firstborn, son, sleeping with us until he was 2. (was breastfeeding him until 1,5 years and I was just too lazy to lift him anywhere during the night) It was a nightmare to get him to sleep by himself after that. He still has no healthy sleeping habits and is not falling asleep easily, although tired out of his mind. The second baby slept in her own bed from the night one. And we have no sleeping problems with her. :) But they both like to come to our bed for a bit in the morning, and that I totally love! Besides this way I get the lovely cuddly time with kids in the mornings and hanky-panky times with husband at nights. ;)
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Personally I would love to have one big family "sleep room" where we all cuddle up together at night! Our babies sleep with us until they are about 2 years old, and then we transition them to their own beds. Our youngest has frequent night terrors so he still comes in often (even though he is now 4), but with a baby due to arrive in a few months I'm getting him used to making a bed for himself on the floor next to me when he comes in. I do agree there needs to be boundaries and couple time... We have a corner of our bedroom, set up like a little love nest, where we take time together after we put the kids to bed. This is our connection time/space. As soon as we get into bed my husband turns on the TV and I seem to disappear! During times we have had children in our bed and didn't feel like moving them we have been known to spend some time together in the guestroom... its like a mini vaca and kind of a fun change. When you co-sleep with infants you quickly learn that there are a whole lot more places to make love than in your own bed... and honestly, we find that refreshing from time to time. -
My husband & I have been married for almost 20 years although we have three kids ages are 18, 15, and 2 years old. Yeah we know surprise to us huh! We only let our older children in our bed if they were sick, had a nightmare that we couldn't get them back to bed or we had one day on the weekend that we all camped out in the living room. I cannot say that for our 2 year old. I have allowed Gabriel to sleep in our bed, I sometimes regret ever letting him sleep in our bed. Gabriel sleeps at the foot of our bed then once he's!! asleep we move him
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Tori although every mother wants their babies next to them you do have to set boundaries and explain to them that you have your time with them, then you have your time with daddy. Set your boundaries that fit your family like the kids can sleep in your bed only two nights a week and the rest of the week they sleep in their own beds!
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My daughter is almost 9 and we just got her out of our bed. I love the time cuddling with her. We have such a amazing bond. She has to play with my hair to fall asleep. We make sure we have our romantic time too. Take advantage of cuddling with them cause next thing u no it there going to be teenagers and wont want to cuddle anymore:( I'm dreading that day. I always put her to bed but end up yelling come on get in here and I love seeing her run in with a big smile on her face. -
My daughter and I have a special time each night in our bed. We head to bed with snacks, of course, and watch one show together every night. It is a special time for just the two of us. No, I don't let her fall asleep there, but it's still a bonding, special one on one time. I'm not sure the queen or king beds will make a difference in the bed romance. I think if it's important it will happen despite the size of the bed. But that's just one girls opinion.
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Listen to your husband's needs, and negotiate with kids. Dads can have different boundaries than Mothers, and this is healthy balance for marriage. Consider the alternative. Make compromises for win-win. Dad's need a vote.
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PS: You can fit in nighttime sex though. Away from the children. I hope you will continue and grow the family bond. -
Our daughter is now 14. I remember lying in bed with my husband on one said of me and our daughter on the other side with their hands across me holding hands and loving on me. I felt important and loved. I could feel our fur babies at our feet. I remember thinking "It just doesn't get any better than this!" And, I was right! She evidently wanted to sleep in her own beautiful room at age 5.Besides nap time and playtime. This time is so short, Tori. Follow your motherly instincts. You can't go wrong! As for "relations" with my husband. It was the best! There is always a movie to pop in for them. For us it was age 2. She respected we needed to "talk" and she would watch "Veggie Tales" in another room. Then run to the door and say"it's off!" Who says sex has to be only at night? lol You and Dean will not lose intimacy. Just have fun being more creative. I'd keep the king sized bed. Our mistake was going to a queen, for us. She still comes in our bed once in a while and we three have pillow fights, sing, wrestle, and talk about school. She is an honor student BTW. Every age and stage is new and different. This is just me sharing my experience. I have no regrets! Follow those motherly/wife instincts. You will never go wrong. ~Stephanie from the Sunshine State :0)
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We would cuddle on the couch each night until the kids got sleepy, then it was off to our own beds. We never made a big deal about bedtime so it was not a struggle every night. Our bed was ours alone, except in the middle of the night when someone had a bad dream. I don't see the harm in having kids in the bed, as long as you get your alone time too.
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I love having my daughter sleep in my bed. We cuddle and watch movies until we fall asleep. Husband doesnt like it so much. He says he cant sleep when she is in our bed, always waking up to check on her and she kicks him a lot. And he does miss alone time if she is in here a lot.
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and as I might add, mommy and daddy do not have alone time when it comes to intimacy...which I believe is a problem...nothing has happened since around valentines day....Im kinda conerned!
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My son is 20 months, almost 21 months on the third. He has never slept in his own bed..nor has his bed ever been in his room...His bed is beside ours, and only about 6 inches away, and will not sleep in it! I often wonder if he will ever go to sleep in it, and when we are gong to be able to get him in it in his own room! we joke when he gets older and wants a sleep over, that hes going to have to say to his friends that they will have to sleep on the floor, because mom and dads bed is too small!!! lol
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You always have the lovliest photos! They Lways evoke such deep emotion in me. Thank you for sharing! (I think a coffee table book of your photos would be amazing & a best seller!)
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My daughter's are 15 and 16 now. When they were younger like your children, they did however end up in our bed, being only 11 months apart it was just easier in the end. Were were younger then of course, and found other ways of making it "work" ;). Once they were 6 and 7 it was time to get them on their own though, that made a difference. I do agree with the king versus queen theory Dean has. Only because at home, we have a CA King and I end up on my side and my hubby on his...I thik this is not great for intimacy. Why? , because in our "Glamping" 40 foot Motorhome, we have a queen size bed, which we spend every weekend in along the coast, I find it cozier and more intimate with this bed, and a lot more fun!!! :) Thinking of going to a Queen at home now ??
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You are so right on the king vs queen, the bigger your bed the farther apart you end up. My husband and I slept on a king then went to a twin because we had to stay with my mother n law while she went thru her chemotherapy, we felt so much more intimacy when we finally made it back home we purchased a queen bed we still be close yet have room for our little one when need be! Can't go wrong with a Queen bed!!!
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I believe that the Bedroom is for mom and dad. Its our kid free zone. We spend the evenings together in the livingroom or snuggle together in the playroom.
In order for me to leave the mom title behind I need to have the kids out of sight. No pictures of the kiddos in the room either. :)
That being said, our kids sometimes come to our room in the middle of the night and need to use the bathroom or they had a bad dream or something. But even then, we let them sleep on the floor if needed because we have a queen size bed and they move none stop! A tired mommy and daddy in the morning isn't good for anyone. :)
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My husband and I have 3 girls...he is TOTALLY against kids in the bed. Not that I'm TOTALLY for it, but certainly don't frown at the idea. In my opinion, I feel like kids need that snuggle time...that night where they can keep their security blankets (bankie) and teddy bears (baby tie) in their own beds and have Momma and Daddy as their sercutity blanket and bear for the night. But on the other hand I like that I can put the girls to bed and give my self time to de-stress with a good book, time with my husband, silence or whatever is needed after a long day. Our 'snuggle' time is very special and occationally I win and we get to have a 'slumber party' which is a lot of fun :) So I do think it is a nice balance of the two.
My husband and I had a queen size bed until about 5 years ago...and I'm not quite sure if it's the size of the bed that equals more/less hanky panky or the size of your family that equals more/less hanky panky :) The bigger your family, the bigger the stress, the more time you spend with each child, etc. And in my experience, the growing size of my family equals LESS hanky panky :) But it's easy to say, it's the size of the bed...I mean, what an easy fix!! I'd be interested to see if things would heat back up if we down sized back to a queen size bed...hmmmm something to think about ;)
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My career as a social worker sometimes overtakes my role as mommy and wife. Due to this attachment parenting has always been my top priority. I have seen what happens to children when they are not attached to parents and I have always been afraid of that, plus I love my three little people so much I have a tendancy to go overboard when it comes to breast feeding and co-sleeping. All three of our kids slept with us until age 4. Our two boys (ages 7 and 4) still wander in and out of our bed at different points in the night. Our baby girl who is 20 months still knows no other bed than ours. My husband doesn't complain but I know he misses our alone time as we haven't had much since the birth of our first child 7 years ago.
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I feel that sometimes our needs to mother get in the way of our husbands needs to feel like more than just Daddy. If my beautiful husband were to say something that makes it obvious that he wants something more from me, then I find the time to address it and to make it a top priority. Unfortunately this is not either of our first marriage and some of the problems with both our relationships ealier in life were being unable to seperate the parenting relationship from the intimate one with our spouses. The answer isn't always obvious, but there is always a compromise somewhere within each side. Big Love <3
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I agree with you, Tori - the more the merrier. I like your approach of moving the children to their own beds - that's what I did for a long time. Now my children are growing up and are sort out outgrown the family bed. There are times they want to be in the bed during a scary thunderstorm or a bad dream, but for the most part they are in their own beds. I do not agree with anyone who says that once you let them in the bed they will never leave, or worse, will lack the confidence to be able to sleep on their own. I believe the opposite is true - follow their lead, allow them to be as attached as they need, and when the time comes, the unconditional love and support will have provided them with the foundation for independence. Others may disagree, but I have three thriving, independent children who are living examples of how it worked for us. "Worked for us", I also believe is key. There are many opinions out there, lots of experts, or just parents like you or I. Find your comfort and peace in what works for you and I guarantee that will be the right thing to do. ~jet
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When my daughter was an infant she slept with us. When we had my son I swore up and down that he wouldn't sleep with us. And he didn't. Now he lays down with my hubby and I lay him down in his bed when he has been asleep for about 20 minutes. It works for us. We did the same with my daughter. Can't wait for the day that he goes to bed on his own and goes to sleep.
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We have 2 children, a 5 yr old boy that has special needs and a 4 yr old little girl. As you could imagine our attention is constantly needed, so our rule is no children sleep with us. They may come in when they wake up in the morning or when they are ill. I treasure my alone time with my husband and I need that private time to talk "without interruption", flirt and keep our bedroom time steamy.
with love and congrats on Baby #4!
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We have three kids and have had ours in and out of our bed. Honestly, I think that it depends on each family and there isn't a blanket way for everyone. My oldest is now 14 and wouldn't DARE sleep in our bed EVER! And I cherish the memories of all the snuggles we have had with her. I also couldn't refuse my children wanting to have the comfort of their parents. I could understand not wanting to sleep alone in their room (how come mommy and daddy get to snuggle..) And there is interesting literature out there that support many benefits to this (despite all the negative things people tell you). Yes, I've had to tiptoe around my room at times, but for that short time in my life it was great! Normally, our kids fell asleep in our bed, then we transferred them to their bed. Early in the morning, they would sometimes end up in our bed. This way, we still had our bedroom to ourselves ; ) And, honestly, I think the bigger bed is better because in our house, they would have ended up in our bed and we would have been squished! I know this because of the times we've travelled and had to sleep in a queen... So good luck in figuring out what works for your family!
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I love to have my litel boy in the bed whid us <3 He is 20 month. He has his one bedroom , but thats just a play rom at the time. He has his one bed in our bedroom ;) My "hubby"omg.! thinks it nice and loves having he in the bed, but he whonts more hanky panky! HAHA!Love you Tori! Have a nice day, hug from a mom in Norway!:)
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