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Episode 9 starts off a bit contrived with a produced driving scene featuring poor Lisa Vanderpump at the mercy of a car camera (never the most flattering) calling most of the housewives, who conveniently don’t pick up, to make sure they are coming to Pandora’s engagement party. Duh, of course they are all coming; it’s in their contract. She finally gets Kyle on the phone who, clearly prompted by producers, asks how Lisa’s cooking date with Adrienne went last episode. Yeah, like Kyle has been laying awake at night wondering how that went. We get it…hand soap squirted inside a chicken’s carcass is humorous. Then she calls Taylor, her non-friend who she wants to save, and makes it clear that Taylor’s hubby Russell is not invited to the party, due to some bad blood between him and Pandora’s Godfather Mohamed. Finally, she sounds surprised when Taylor says she will still come to celebrate Pandora saying, “Ok, you still want to come, ok…great”.

Next, we follow Taylor meeting Dana at a bakery to pick out a cake for Taylor’s daughter Kennedy’s 5th birthday party. Taylor wants to do a simple “ranch style” party for 200. I’m in no position to comment on over-the-top kid parties, as I’m guilty myself, but 200 people? Is every kid in BH and all surrounding neighborhoods invited? And I love how Dana who claims to be a “party planner” takes charge asking for photo books to see “ranch type themes.” What exactly is a ranch-type theme? Have Dana’s Fendi wedges ever even set foot on a ranch? Wonder if she’ll get designer chaps made for the occasion and then spend half the party telling people how much they cost?

We finally get to see Paul, a big BH plastic surgeon in action as he does a face lift on Kyle’s mother in law Estella. We get to see what really happens behind closed doors during surgery as Paul “squirts fat” on a nurse, tries to play matchmaker, and randomly calls Mark Wahlberg. After surgery, the family comes in to visit a recovering Estella wrapped like a mummy where we can’t tell if Kyle is gonna laugh, cry, or puke when she sees her. She soon flees from the scene.

In a rare on-camera appearance, we see Taylor’s husband Russell as they have Kyle and Mauricio over for a dinner date. Over dinner, the discussion or lack of discussion quickly turns to a story in Us Weekly that says that Taylor and Russell have officially separated. Kyle makes light of the situation saying that at least they used a cute pic of Taylor. Russell quickly says he doesn’t want to falsely accuse, but then basically does accuse Lisa of leaking the story to the magazine. Kyle makes a good point that everyone in town knows of the marital problems between Taylor and Russell. Do you think Lisa would ever give a story to a tabloid? Do you think Russell should have sued the magazine?

It’s the evening of Pandora’s big engagement party and Lisa kicks it off by presenting Pandora with a diamond heart pendant necklace engraved with “mommy loves you” and wants everyone to know she spent 68K to tell her that. Ken, as usual, looks on solemnly. Probably wondering where his balls went.

They all arrive at the party and are greeted by Mohamed, his still mute girlfriend who’s now his fiancé, belly dancers, and a camel. First of the housewives to arrive is Camille. Well, actually, Camille’s boobs arrive first with her close behind. As noticed by the camel who tries to nuzzle them, and Lisa and then her daughter Pandora, who are both caught on camera glancing down at Camille’s assets. Even Ken gives a half glance down at her boobs while still pondering where his balls went.

Next to arrive is Taylor who shrieks “Camel” and then Kyle swoops in dressed as a peacock. The final attendee is Adrienne and as usual Kim is MIA. Then there’s some bizarre mermaid woman hired for the party who is flopping around poolside shouting “I’m a mermaid. I’m a mermaid. I’m splashing” aka “tripping”. As the sun sets the party really kicks into high gear. It gets weirder by the moment. Here’s a rundown of party antics…

Kyle tells her daughter Farrah to have a baby, give it to her, and then leave (she’s joking. I think).
Some woman (I’m pretty sure the mermaid from the pool)slides down the stair banister, seemingly unnoticed by the guests.
Camille and Taylor play the bongos.
Paul calls Mauricio “Richards” in the hidden bedroom.
Some woman named Dazza sparks an intellectual housewife conversation because she calls her husband “Daddy.” I gotta admit, I call Dean Daddy. And, that started way before we had kids. So, I guess the ladies would think I’m a whack job too.
Kyle seemingly joins the acrobatic troupe as she effortlessly does the splits on a table, while Taylor shows cooch pulling her leg over her head. Camille shakes her boobs, and as usual, Lisa looked on disapprovingly.

This party left me wondering what the champagne was spiked with.

And then, the moment the previews have had us craving all week…we meet the man behind the hairy arms and silver bracelet. It’s Kim’s boyfriend Ken, and she’s been keeping him a secret for a year. She’s nervous about her family meeting him. She point blank tells him she’s worried they won’t like him and that her sisters are “hard.”

This is sure to be a must-see meet and greet! How do you think Kyle will react? Looks like we’ll find out next week! And are those tears we see in Kyle’s eyes?

We’ll find out next week as emotions and Botox flare!

Previously on RHOBH:

 

Episode 8: Spa Wars
Episode 6 & 7: The Blame Game
Episode 5: How Rude!
Episode 4: The Claws Come Out
Episode 3: Meltdowns and Moguls
Episode 2: Bev Hills Ski Bunnies
Episode 1: Meet the Housewives

 

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