Last week left us speechless, chanting “Brandi Glanville Devastates!” And well… “The rest of you housewives SUCK!” Guessing none of them will want to play a group game of Parcheesi anytime soon.
This week’s episode starts off with cooking 101. Lisa decides to teach Adrienne how to cook a chicken. This scene was useless nonsense, except we got to see Adrienne wash her chicken’s insides out with hand soap. I’d like to say this was for comedic effect, but I fear she was serious. Maybe she’s a germ-a-phobe, in which case she probably sanitizes Paul with that very same pump dispensing hand soap before they have sex. And we can’t forget an honorable mention of Bernie the Boris Karloff wannabe chef who gives good glare from the pantry doorway.
Next, Lisa visits someone richer than her. Who knew that was possible? It’s Pandora’s godfather. Though oddly, Lisa seems confused in the scene when he mentions he’s Pandora’s godfather…but her confusion turns to excitement as dollar signs dance through her head. This guy has a mute teen girlfriend and wants to throw Pandora a Moroccan-themed engagement party, simply because he already has a Moroccan party room downstairs, complete with a hidden bedroom. Don’t all party rooms have hidden bedrooms? Creepy!
Drumroll please…The main event: Spa Day at Adrienne’s. I did a Spa Day once for my girlfriends. I had a DIY Mud Masque Bar. Adrienne has a facial laser machine that costs 40K. To each her own.
The ladies all stroll in on cue and slip into baby blue robes. Camille manically shoves a handful of cheese in her mouth while pleading with a waiter that she’s “trying to gain weight.” Like he cares. Meanwhile, Kyle tries out the micro-dermabrasion machine, nervous that her spray tan might come off. As usual, Kim makes a late entrance. And, last but not least, our protagonist Brandi makes her fateful entrance.
As if Moses parted the Botox seas, the Spa Party is divided right down the middle. Brandi on one side of the room quickly jumping into a laser machine as a means of avoidance, and the rest of the housewives on the other side throwing evil glances her way and talking about her. Then there’s Adrienne who does the neutral party dance back and forth.
Can we talk about Kim for a second? Is she not a completely different person than last season? She was sweet, nice, and very quiet. Very quiet…borderline Frances Farmer (for those who don’t get this reference…Frances Farmer was lobotomized). Now Kim’s our antagonist. At least Kyle says it to your face – Kim sheepishly hides behind Kyle’s long brown locks and makes snide comments under her breath. The quiet enemy, in my opinion, is always the one you need to watch out for. Kim’s interview with her cream and gold, oversized tie bow blouse, smeared eye makeup, and comments like “dirty, dirty, ugly mouth…like a sewer,” makes her very Baby Jane-esque!
Kyle gains a few of her good girl image points back by hearing Brandi out and semi, but not really accepting her apology. Brandi’s quivering, crying lip is utterly heartbreaking, and her dramatic hobble out of Adrienne’s foyer with the thud of the wrought iron door leaves us craving for her to get her just desserts from these Housewives from Hell(ish).
Time will tell…
Last season, Camille was cast as the villain. This season, it’s a big toss up. Who’s the meanie that stands out to you? Lisa, Kim, Or Kyle?
Previously on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”+ Comment